Being Bipolar

Dealing with the diagnosis of bipolar disorder can be overwhelming, sometimes even debilitating. Partially because of the stigma and shame attached to it and partially because of the ominous sense of fear that the name harbours. But what I have come to realise over time, is that the diagnosis doesn’t change who I am, instead, it explains who I am. Yet, I feel like a different person post my diagnosis.

I feel less like myself, and more like my illness. Or maybe that’s the nature of this illness. Where lines begin to blur into a haze, where reality and thoughts amalgamate so seamlessly that there is no mind separating the two of them and where everything feels so real and unreal at once. Every action I do makes me wonder if this is a consequence of my illness or a of a simple thought carried out as a mere human.

I mistake my happiness for a hypomanic episode, my lows for a depressive episode, I over-analyse, too afraid to miss the red flags, and probably engineer problems that never existed to begin with. Sometimes, I even wonder if I am fabricating all of this. I don’t know what’s real on most days.

If you’re a neurotypical reading this, you probably think I’m just over-thinking. Everyone has mood swings, everyone feels happy and sad at different times. But no, no, no, no, it is very different in our heads. Happiness feels like a sunny day where you put on a nice floral dress, paint your nails, hop onto a bus and go sightseeing. And sadness feels like a cold winter morning where the air is so frigid that you’d rather hold your pee in and stay under the blanket. It’s intense, and that’s the difference between you and me.

And if you are someone who has recently been diagnosed, know that this illness can be god awful, it will push you to places you’d never be able to fathom, it will bend you till you break, but it will also be equally rewarding. Every harrowing depressive episode will end and a manic/hypomanic spell will light your universe up. And that mania is addictive. Once you get a taste of it, you’ll never want this illness to go away. And with the right medication and therapy, you can learn to make the most of this illness.

When people hear ‘bipolar’, they think of ‘delirium’, ‘madness’, ‘eccentricity’, but what they don’t realise is that with this ‘madness’, comes an insane amount of creative energy, deep empathy, and awe-inspiring courage.

If you’re bipolar or you know someone with bipolar disorder, tell me what you think!