I consider myself the potpourri of mental illnesses. I was initially diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, then it was annulled and replaced by bipolar disorder and BPD, along with the garden variety of mental illnesses like anxiety, and OCPD. And I think that leaves me experienced enough to comment on why BPD is by far the worst and most debilitating mental illness.
- BPD is psychological. Medication seldom works beyond a point. It is a result of years of trauma, mental/physical abuse which wires your brain in a particular way. Rewiring it is far from easy.
- Mental health professionals brandish people with BPD as ‘attention-seekers’, as ‘dramatic’, as ‘master manipulators’. There is stigma within the mental health community and therefore getting help isn’t easy.
- BPD leaves you on a rollercoaster of emotions, often triggered by the smallest and most insignificant events.
- If you have a favourite person, you are doomed. Having a favourite person implies relying on one person for the smallest of things, seeking their validation, appreciation and affection at all times of the day. This can be a romantic or a platonic relationship, characterised by a harrowing fear of abandoment.
- BPD makes you think black or white, either I love you or I hate you. It’s all or nothing.
- It makes me unpredictable to myself. I have no idea of how I will view myself, the world, my family, my friends, my favourite person an hour later.
- We feel things too deeply. We pick up on the slightest of signs, one missing smiling emoji, one wrongly worded text, sends us on a sprial of gloom and doom, which is deeply distrubing to the point of tipping into the vortex of suicidality.
- We are our worst enemies. We love everyone deeply, except ourselves.
I frankly don’t mind being bipolar. My manic highs are what I live for, and they’re worth all the suffering that comes along with a depressive episode. But BPD, I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. Of that I’m certain.
Mental Health with Milana 